Ex's

Coffee, bread, cookies out of the oven, home made cakes, log burning fires, perfume you catch in a blink/washing powder on other people clothes.
But the smell of a ex,
stagment on your walls,
on your doors,
on your mind makes me feel sick, sick like a squashed rat on the underground,
like the smell of blood at the dentist as you wash out your mouth and spit.

I feel her eyes in my head and a hole she left as a scar, people tell you to be nice, to let go of your past.
Easy if your left with a clockwork orange smile and sparkley eyes
not so easy if your burnt out and your feeling rage for unanswered questions
that your never get
to know
ever

Who takes the friends
what friends take you in their arms
which ones stay laughing alongside her
who stays a friend
which ones talk
I know who stayed in my gang


Guess that's it then
Time to walk away
I'm warming to a hug to a honest next step
I'm too tired to open my mouth any longer or take the blame for things I have not done
Two sides to every story right?
Wrong this time..

Anger

God do I get angry lol. No really I do, you know those times when people just talk over you or your saying something really interesting and they change the subject just like that. That gets me right in my nose. Or like you have had a change in yourself and someone says the complete opposite or when your full of beans and someone says 'oh you look so tired' agggh just makes me wanna scream!

So I'm ranting. I'm allowed, I'm mean angry and pretty fed up, look like a bear and am gonna roar really loud. Ok maybe I'm not, maybe just a tad tired.

Angry can be good thou you know, when you have had a really good argument and the tension is high and you have both had enough and then you burst into a fit of passion and end up having the best sex throwing each other all over the place... Right?? lol I know you know what I'm talking about here.


Its best not to take your anger out on your sofa, that can get a little dangerous, too many pillows, feathers, hay fever attack!

I need music, loud when I'm angry, anything rock with a bite and mean lyrics, bulletproof vest kind of stuff. I'll blow my ears off and have a drink and then blow my ears off some more, take a walk or a swim. Exercise is great too when your angry, letting go in the rain and just running, just running, best feeling in the world.

Chance

Life is a chance.

We are all chance,here by chance, well I think so. If we are in a situation where we need to take that step forward, whats the thing that keeps pulling us back? Crossing a road when we shouldn't, sending a text just to see if she will text back right? taking that step to speak up for yourself in the office when someone is trying to put you down. Don't you find you wanna touch the wall and hope it disappears on touch, but do you ever get that close to actually touch it, to see, to feel what would happen?

No! Try it for a change, you never know what may happen..

When I take chances, I feel a tiny rush of wind creep up by back and into my tummy and then bang, it comes. I take the chance. We are all aware too much of the time about how it will affect the other person or afraid to look stupid or out of a comfort zone that everyone in London seems to be in. Don't you get those silly thoughts when your on the train in the morning like oo what would happen if I just sang right out loud or offered my sweets around or told the guy in the crappy suit to take a bath once in a while. I would love too, but I don't, again I have this forced feeling that I would melt into the floor or turn pink which when I think about it, is really stupid.

So what chances have I taken recently, mmm well I asked my best mates all about their sex lives in the car on the way back from Manchester to London. We hadn't crossed that subject the whole weekend, makes for an interesting subject I think.

I speak up to my ill sneezing balloon of a boss when I'm feeling brave which makes her turn a slight shade of pink when she can't answer, this makes me feel good to of taken a chance with my big mouth.

Sometimes it may not always be a good thing, it may break things, but sometimes to fix something, it has to be broken first and that's where you take the chance.

"Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do

Death

I just lost my uncle tonight, he was very old.Ninety eight in fact and as he lay in his hospital bed unable to see, he kept pointing at the ceiling. I told my auntie it was angels ready to help him make the journey into the light.

Not sure what everyone's view on the whole death issue is, I started reading The Tibetan book of the dead, interesting book,takes you through amazing journeys of meditations and how to prepare yourself in those few hours before you go. I guess most of you hope to go in your sleep, not with a pain or suddenly like the tube bombing in London, I question that alot, I'm faced with the article every morning in the metro as the relatives of the victims speak out. I think about that alot as I am too on the underground every day. Maybe that's too much of a morbid thought, but I gain some kind of strength every time I hear about another victim and who they were ect.

Death is a mad thing, eveytime I begin to think about it,I start to have a panic attack. There are people who have not got long to live and here I am being stupid, I know they would turn to me and slap me in the face. These people are happy, they may have regrets and wished they had more time, but they are happy.


Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings.
Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun split clouds - and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of; wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence. Hovering there
I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air;
Up, up the long delirious burning blue
I've topped the windswept heights with easy grace,
Where never lark nor even eagle flew;
And while, with silent lifting mind I've trod
The high, untrespassed sanctity of space
Put out my hand and touched the face of 'God'


'A god as an energy in all of us, or whatever you believe to be god'

I watched the film Paranormal activity and yes I can say it prob could happen, but in all honestly if you want to believe it could, then your drawing on negative energy, yes I was freaked out by it and slept with the light on for a week after, but there is more good over bad stuff in that world

Don't get me wrong, we all like to be taken out of our comfort zone a bit and wizzed around, but its nice to come back to it finally again. The mind is a strange one. Its what we do with it that counts, and as long as we can be there for our loved ones and friends in times of need, when it comes to death we'll all be smiling.

Musical

Listen to Sweaty Eddies voice and your understand that a muscial is now in a class of its own. We are talking Sister Act here. I've seen it three times and not once has it let me down.
By the end I feel like I've been in a film, with the wonderful set that moves from a convent to a side street.

I love musicals and now they are becoming more and more popular with the whole film to stage thing going on. Look at 'Ghost' for example coming to London next year We're hiring more and more fab talent in fact I don't think audiences would settle for anything less, that would defo be a walk out if someone sang just a tad off.

Flashdance comes as Sister Act will be taking off to America :( But I've seen Flashdance five times and will be seeing it again for the sixth time in Nov! I am very excited that they have Victoria playing the lead again, she helped me come out, I saw her and boom, I danced I sang, I moved my body in ways I did not know, I was letting go finally and becoming the person I had hidden for such a long time. This was my coming out moment, it helped me release a desire for dance too. My mate Becks can lighten you on that subject. She has seen me dance to maniac!

But are we pushing the oldies out, do you think audiences will still want to see old time musicals, ones that few people have heard of,the music hall days or are we pushing more and more for new music. I hope not, we need to preserve and share for future generations the old stuff too.

Please comment and let me know what your fave musical is..

'I don't need a spotlight, I don't need a crowd, I don't need the great wide world to shout my name out loud. Don't need fame or fortune, nice as those things are, I've got all I need, to make me feel like I'm a star.

I've got my sisters by my side, I've got my sisters love and pride and in my sisters eyes I recognize, the star I want to be. And with my sisters standing strong, I'm on the stage where I belong, and nothin's ever gonna change that fact.

I'm part of one terrific Sister Act' :)

The beginning of something good

Here we are folks in Sept, when wearing chunky jumpers and walking over the heath in Hampstead and stopping for hot choc makes me feel all nice inside, even nicer when your doing it with a friend or partner talking about the nice things to come in the autumn months.

I am very much looking forward to Thanksgiving, I'm not religious in any way, but the joys of making fresh corn bread and pumpkin pie and sitting round a table with friends and sharing food and good times really make me feel great. Then we have Halloween and bonfire night. love it , love it , love it.

But before all that cold weather starts to hit, I am off to Spain for that last bit of sunshine, there is something v nice too about jetting off just before the cold comes and also after Christmas when it hits us worse. I would love to just be somewhere hot from Jan onwards for 6 months and then come back for Easter and all for the nice blooms.


I've just involved myself in a charity for Supporting Victims of "Corrective Rape" in south Africa and while I write this my friend Becky has gone out to join Ndumie in her township and talk with her and give her some provisions. I'm extremely grateful for her doing this and just from reading about Ndumie in The Observer and then emailing her, we are now moving forward in helping her raise money. I'm so pleased this has happened so quickly. I am also designing a t-shirt for her and will be donating all funds to the charity. Please keep your eyes peeled on the fb page and the website.

http://www.lulekisizwe.com

So take a deep breath or say a prayer, throw away your shit that's been stuck inside for so long and let go...

Happy Autumn people.

Italy-Peace, Love and all that jazz

I just came back from a wonderful holiday in Italy where I spent two lovely weeks with one of my friends at her and her boyfriends house in the hills.

No lezzes for miles, in fact no lesbians atall. I found it rather freeing being with straight peple for that long, I say it as thou they are a complte different specis, so if you are straight reading this, remember you are an alien to me!

What was I going to do with no Pink screaming out of the car, instead it was SeaSick Steve and Sheryl Crow. One night I did actually hear a Pink song and joyfully skipped down the steps of the house for dinner hehe.

Anyway we went for a drive one night to the graveyard to freak ourselves out, ahem, I was slightly freaked when I saw a real looking statue, I was happy to get back in the car! We returned a few days later in the day time and went into the graveyard, this time I lost Becky my friend, and started sweating profoundly, did find her in end, wasn'nt a pleasent moment I can tell you.

I ate my way through Italy and had meals made by top chefs, drank some of the best wines and swam in the warmest waters and cold too.

It was so peaceful where I stayed and spent most days in the hammock with my book and ipod and one day we spent at a pool in the hills on an organic farm, it was so slient, you could hear a pin drop. From sitting at the kitchen table and feeling like I was in a 40's film without tv or internet, just good old chat, I learnt about the ways of children and the highs and lows of love and most of all. I bulit a solid friendship for life.