Lockdown

I Got fit, got productive and made things happen. What did you do? It doesn’t matter what you did or didn’t do. The only thing you have to worry about is you survived right? You got your head down and maybe didn’t do anything atall. No one told you this would screw up everything your work your money your life. Made you fear, cry break out in spots and practically scream. All I have heard is the neighbours argue and argue. Apparently he’s not pulling his weight and she makes all the lists. Why are people pushing at people. Time to stop and reflect on your self. Life isn’t about making people happy. You have to be happy first and then things will roll. Stop trying to control what you can’t change. Kindness is the best medicine in all of this. Have you stopped to see how your mates are doing in their countries ? Maybe the list of friends you have on your Facebook just got smaller. Think, reach out, it might actually make their day. Stop collecting friends when you can start making friends with the ones you already have. The ones you don’t make time for in the time you do have. Remember we all need connection. Dr Shefail certainly makes a difference. That women is a kindness star. I’m over the zoom thing now. I’d rather listen to a mantra. One thing this lock down has taught us, is listen exactly that. Listen for love, for laughter and listen to yourself. “They say the things that finally break you, Are the words caught in your throat, And she has years of thoughts not uttered, Crammed in the pockets of her coat, A whisperer amongst a world, That’s learnt only to speak, Where silence must be broken, For the proof that it is weak, But wherein lies the weakness, Of keeping words held in your hand?, When others listen to reply, She listens just to understand, Surely it’s strength when things unspoken, Fill the room up to the brim, And she’s the only one among them, Who has taught herself to swim”

Poetry night

So I went to a poetry night last night. Cor as soon I walked through that door, it was like being back in London town on my coming out days! The place was packed with some lesbians some queer, I guess maybe one or 2 bisexuals. I know we don't all want to label this anymore but it was a vast amount of beautiful looking people. I saw my friend do a performance and then I broke out and sided up to the owner to ask her some info on the next one. (Yes I'm sure that wasn't a great idea but yere I think I can handle it!) I was like what was in my wine, but I guess it was all the energy I was feeling from these women in the little room telling me go go go. There was a strange pre type school teacher telling the audience to read off a piece of paper, I wasn't sure on that one, felt like we were learning the alphabet at Sunday school. Then their was an Italian, thou she did sound French I'm sure of it. A women that sung a version of Tear Drops which I have to add was quite special and the women at the end reading her poems from her book, now what's that all about. A true poet would have a bit of paper, it was boring to hear about her books. This wasn't a book launch love, put them away. So as Dylan said to the bishop 'if you go I will remember you' (LINE FROM POEM) Lets hope they do and I don't get tomato blasted off that stage! Till then Check out Devils Dyke Network on facebook for future events

Work

I like my work, well now I do, taken me a while to get to this head space, but anyhow. Still a few bitches to attend to but I think I can cope. My manager is a bit mad, I think she's on some kind of happy pill, maybe goes home and gets the hammer out for a bit.. She is support. The nurses, when I first started I was like wow on the healthy diets, running/gym/running. I did wonder how they always have rosy cheeks, isn't just down to all the kids they pushed out then! I still have no idea who is doing what in what job, so many uniforms and badges and gold shoes. And when they are out of their uniforms! NO really! The doctors are the worse, some of them dress in Laura Ashley on a regular basis, I see them rummaging in the sales rack for the most ugliest top/dress ever. Its bad. I love the banter and there is always somewhere to hide when it goes stressy, like in the gorgeous 11 0clock time to lose a stone loos or somewhere on a filing shelf way way out back. Its a job thou isn't it. Someone's gotta make the films...

Kindness in Brighton

I walked back from the station tonight, was a wonderful little walk in my slippers with the soles that slipped off as I walked! Remind me to secure them with tape before I wear them again! The lights from all the windows that were opened and couples sitting on their sofas with wine in glasses watching the telly with their blinds open. Its such a beautiful evening in Shaftesbury road. Warm and peaceful on the street, fairy lights in the pub garden and people sitting outside on their steps. It reminded me of being in San Francisco as I walked back home from saying goodbye to my friend at the station. There is everything in this little community of brightness and madness and excitement and positivity. Music and theatre, comedy and film. I believe that every person in Brighton is an artist, some guy I passed had a piece of art he has just brought in his hand which was prob from one of the many open houses in Brighton at the moment. Yesterday I discovered new restaurants I had never even seen before, ones that only open on Friday and Saturday nights. Here is Brighton we have Baker street, where the best home made pies are made with wonderful fillings all at 1.70 each. Much better then Mrs Lovett I can say ;) Planet India across the road which make the best home made vegatable curry and you can have a Thumbs Up too. I have been here for now 4 years and I have made such warm and wonderful friends, who bring such happiness to my life. From my amazing work friends who have seen me pissed off and fried with patients but congratulate me for just being me and make my work days fun and bring me smiles. and whom I shall miss dearly when I start my new job. I have enjoyed shopping for the elderly and seeing them smile when I have brought them home made cakes and pressies and taken them on adventures. I'll never forget taking Mrs S out in her wheelchair to the park, or taking Ed to hear a show in Eastbourne or writing Pegs life story and making it into a book for her. These people are beautiful and have made such a difference to my life here in Brighton. Even in the rain, believe me Brighton is great. I want to dedicate this blog to those that have shown their kindness to me in Brighton, that have made an impact on my life here and have shown me such amazing friendship. Matthew Marcia Ayami Janine Daryl Gaynor Tracy Terri Ed Peggy Pat Kris Katy Thankyou so much. Oh, Brighton! Brighton! What a place thou art for love, liberty, and salt water. They may talk of their Margates and Ramsgates, so gay, And such places some folks may delight in; Where in summer each citizen dashes away, As long as they've time, and their money to pay, But none can compare to our Brighton! 'Tis there that our belles and our beaux always dash on, For Brighton! dear Brighton! is always the fashion; For life, oh! to Brighton no one place approaches—— 'Tis true we've no hoy—but we've plenty of coaches, So come, my fair ladies to Brighton! Then the gents and the ladies, Whatever their trade is, Whether single or married, To Brighton are carried, Then slipping, and whipping, and squalling and bawling, Each belle and each beau to Brighton they go, Oh! oh! what a place in Brighton! There full many a damsel we see with a whip, The donkey's back try to sit tight on; Every morning in salt water taking a dip, Every night in the ball-room just taking a trip; Oh! these are the pleasures of Brighton! And then there's the race course, each jockey frequents, Where the beaux lose their money as well as their sense; Where gaiety joined with equality cheers, Dukes jostle with dustmen—pickpockets with peers; Oh! these are the pleasures of Brighton! • The Boarding House; or, Five Hours at Brighton, 2nd London edition, 1811: 33-35

Stress

Today on my you app, was all about being positive. That was a hard one, we are all tuned to fall down and just rant about how crap this is and that is. Why do we do this? I'm stressed, but I'm working through it, its like a knife in your stomach turning and turning, its not nice. It really is crap. I'm been stressed in the past of course, but not on this level, not on this planet! I've tried mindfulness, the one where you concentrate on your big toe, what's nice about your big toe to make you relaxed?! I've done yoga, eaten only healthy food like ginger and juice and avoided stressful foods. Hello cheese, bye cheese :) I'm now popping rescue remedy pills, I'm on like 5 a day and they are not doing anything, mind over matter whatever! I've tried deep breathing, this will be good practice for later on in life! and herbal tea, no no no, its not working. I think what I really need is a hug, as many hugs as I can get. I have a hat that says 'free hugs' I think I will wear that for now... I had a dream the other night that when I looked in the mirror I was a witch, how much more stressful can that get! and then I dreamt I was in New York lost. Maybe I am a little lost at the moment and I just need somebody to bring me home :)

Dyslexia plus me

So maybe I can't hear or speak or write or focus or contribute or be there or see your way or think like everyone expects. 

So I can't spell or pronounce or stand or smile when I'm supposed to. Or answer a question or that I look around for a answer.

But I'm here. I've done things that most could only grip with their teeth. I've shone  through. My friend C told me, that she was really proud of me for doing the films. I hadn't heard that from many.  It was a genuine  proud that I only feel from people I trust. 

I'm not doing stuff for self ego or whatever people wish to believe.

 I'm a creative hub, I speak in whispers and sometimes my brain is on auto melt down. Dyslexia is part of me and I can not explain my sudden lose of speech and sweat that trickles down from inside of me while people bombard me with questions that I'm only hearing the last word of.

My best friend is my support. She catches my words like a waterfall of words that I can't stream.

I'm at the start while your all at the finishing line. 

It hurts to hear critic when all I want to do is scream slow down. I know I'll never be the loud talker or will my words make sense to some. 

Maybe my films will be like donny darko. An endless mad maze of thoughts.

My poems awaken people, thankfully.

Bob Dylan won me radio and I'm in the 3rd book.

Dyslexia helped me get somewhere good.

Im not perfect and patience has slowed me down. Kindness has taken over a past I put away. 

But I'm alive. 

I'm a creative hub

I write and write and write and write 

And yes I have dyslexia.

But don't put me in a box and assume I know what I'm doing and what I'm writing and what I'm spelling and what line that sentence is supposed to go and how and what and why and now.

Cos I'm still learning too and 

I can still hear the silence of you 

And the laughing 

And somewhere in the distance I can hear my dad and C 

'Leah I'm so proud of you' 

And that matters

That's all that really matters in Leah's mad crazy world 

To me.

Film

I am obsessed with film. I just read the book 1000 films to move you. Love it, I was reading about so many different directors that I had heard of but didn't realise there true spirit and passionate ideas on story text and film. Then I listened to a podcast which I had missed going to the meeting in London but I was glued, listening is some amazing thing when you can't even see what's in front of you, just the sound of passionate people talking about film and putting there intrest out there. I can't see the ground for moving at the moment, I'm rarely off my laptop as I am marketing my film to the right people. I found out about tiers the other day, who knew about tiers with film! If you have a intresting story then your in with a chance of being accepted by tier 2, anything else then lower your self to tier 3 and never 4! Lovefilm now has a list, a long long list of obscure films I would prob never of got round to watching had I not read the book, bit I'm very excited to see them all. I like films that move me, I like films that tell a story that can make me cry that can give me relief anger and emotion that I just wanna sit on the edge of my seat. Captain Phillips now that's a film right..Got me all the way through I love classics too. The Red Shoes/ Brief Encounter/ The Elephant Man/Lord of the flies/Kes/Whatever happened to Baby Jane/The Hunter. Who makes films like that these days? What moves you, what grips you, what pulls you to the ground and takes you to the heart of the film, as if your living it too. I live my films. I walk it through the whole thing, I move my body and use my hands, I listen to music to write my scripts, to live the characters to feel, oh how to feel their insides and their desires. I've got one more short to make in my 3 part and then I have my baby, my feature to make. Its a 17 character cast, so big but so small on locations and I can't wait to make it. If you read this and feel that you wanna be part of a film, I wanna hear from you. I don't like 'actors' I like real people who wanna act or try it, this brings film to an amazing realism for me,takes people out of their comfort zone and throws them in the deep end which always results in an amazing performance. Lesbian films are too boring for me. Girl meets girl. I wanna show a real story, let it be a bit fucked up, let it be a bit out there and best of all let it tell a story, something that we can relate to and make us sit on the seat and dream and wonder what the hell is next... Sometimes just sometimes you just have to believe... www.youtube.com/dontstopbelievingfilm facebook.com/dontstopbelievingfilm twitter.com/dontstopbeli