Kindness in Brighton

I walked back from the station tonight, was a wonderful little walk in my slippers with the soles that slipped off as I walked! Remind me to secure them with tape before I wear them again! The lights from all the windows that were opened and couples sitting on their sofas with wine in glasses watching the telly with their blinds open. Its such a beautiful evening in Shaftesbury road. Warm and peaceful on the street, fairy lights in the pub garden and people sitting outside on their steps. It reminded me of being in San Francisco as I walked back home from saying goodbye to my friend at the station. There is everything in this little community of brightness and madness and excitement and positivity. Music and theatre, comedy and film. I believe that every person in Brighton is an artist, some guy I passed had a piece of art he has just brought in his hand which was prob from one of the many open houses in Brighton at the moment. Yesterday I discovered new restaurants I had never even seen before, ones that only open on Friday and Saturday nights. Here is Brighton we have Baker street, where the best home made pies are made with wonderful fillings all at 1.70 each. Much better then Mrs Lovett I can say ;) Planet India across the road which make the best home made vegatable curry and you can have a Thumbs Up too. I have been here for now 4 years and I have made such warm and wonderful friends, who bring such happiness to my life. From my amazing work friends who have seen me pissed off and fried with patients but congratulate me for just being me and make my work days fun and bring me smiles. and whom I shall miss dearly when I start my new job. I have enjoyed shopping for the elderly and seeing them smile when I have brought them home made cakes and pressies and taken them on adventures. I'll never forget taking Mrs S out in her wheelchair to the park, or taking Ed to hear a show in Eastbourne or writing Pegs life story and making it into a book for her. These people are beautiful and have made such a difference to my life here in Brighton. Even in the rain, believe me Brighton is great. I want to dedicate this blog to those that have shown their kindness to me in Brighton, that have made an impact on my life here and have shown me such amazing friendship. Matthew Marcia Ayami Janine Daryl Gaynor Tracy Terri Ed Peggy Pat Kris Katy Thankyou so much. Oh, Brighton! Brighton! What a place thou art for love, liberty, and salt water. They may talk of their Margates and Ramsgates, so gay, And such places some folks may delight in; Where in summer each citizen dashes away, As long as they've time, and their money to pay, But none can compare to our Brighton! 'Tis there that our belles and our beaux always dash on, For Brighton! dear Brighton! is always the fashion; For life, oh! to Brighton no one place approaches—— 'Tis true we've no hoy—but we've plenty of coaches, So come, my fair ladies to Brighton! Then the gents and the ladies, Whatever their trade is, Whether single or married, To Brighton are carried, Then slipping, and whipping, and squalling and bawling, Each belle and each beau to Brighton they go, Oh! oh! what a place in Brighton! There full many a damsel we see with a whip, The donkey's back try to sit tight on; Every morning in salt water taking a dip, Every night in the ball-room just taking a trip; Oh! these are the pleasures of Brighton! And then there's the race course, each jockey frequents, Where the beaux lose their money as well as their sense; Where gaiety joined with equality cheers, Dukes jostle with dustmen—pickpockets with peers; Oh! these are the pleasures of Brighton! • The Boarding House; or, Five Hours at Brighton, 2nd London edition, 1811: 33-35

Stress

Today on my you app, was all about being positive. That was a hard one, we are all tuned to fall down and just rant about how crap this is and that is. Why do we do this? I'm stressed, but I'm working through it, its like a knife in your stomach turning and turning, its not nice. It really is crap. I'm been stressed in the past of course, but not on this level, not on this planet! I've tried mindfulness, the one where you concentrate on your big toe, what's nice about your big toe to make you relaxed?! I've done yoga, eaten only healthy food like ginger and juice and avoided stressful foods. Hello cheese, bye cheese :) I'm now popping rescue remedy pills, I'm on like 5 a day and they are not doing anything, mind over matter whatever! I've tried deep breathing, this will be good practice for later on in life! and herbal tea, no no no, its not working. I think what I really need is a hug, as many hugs as I can get. I have a hat that says 'free hugs' I think I will wear that for now... I had a dream the other night that when I looked in the mirror I was a witch, how much more stressful can that get! and then I dreamt I was in New York lost. Maybe I am a little lost at the moment and I just need somebody to bring me home :)

Dyslexia plus me

So maybe I can't hear or speak or write or focus or contribute or be there or see your way or think like everyone expects. 

So I can't spell or pronounce or stand or smile when I'm supposed to. Or answer a question or that I look around for a answer.

But I'm here. I've done things that most could only grip with their teeth. I've shone  through. My friend C told me, that she was really proud of me for doing the films. I hadn't heard that from many.  It was a genuine  proud that I only feel from people I trust. 

I'm not doing stuff for self ego or whatever people wish to believe.

 I'm a creative hub, I speak in whispers and sometimes my brain is on auto melt down. Dyslexia is part of me and I can not explain my sudden lose of speech and sweat that trickles down from inside of me while people bombard me with questions that I'm only hearing the last word of.

My best friend is my support. She catches my words like a waterfall of words that I can't stream.

I'm at the start while your all at the finishing line. 

It hurts to hear critic when all I want to do is scream slow down. I know I'll never be the loud talker or will my words make sense to some. 

Maybe my films will be like donny darko. An endless mad maze of thoughts.

My poems awaken people, thankfully.

Bob Dylan won me radio and I'm in the 3rd book.

Dyslexia helped me get somewhere good.

Im not perfect and patience has slowed me down. Kindness has taken over a past I put away. 

But I'm alive. 

I'm a creative hub

I write and write and write and write 

And yes I have dyslexia.

But don't put me in a box and assume I know what I'm doing and what I'm writing and what I'm spelling and what line that sentence is supposed to go and how and what and why and now.

Cos I'm still learning too and 

I can still hear the silence of you 

And the laughing 

And somewhere in the distance I can hear my dad and C 

'Leah I'm so proud of you' 

And that matters

That's all that really matters in Leah's mad crazy world 

To me.

Film

I am obsessed with film. I just read the book 1000 films to move you. Love it, I was reading about so many different directors that I had heard of but didn't realise there true spirit and passionate ideas on story text and film. Then I listened to a podcast which I had missed going to the meeting in London but I was glued, listening is some amazing thing when you can't even see what's in front of you, just the sound of passionate people talking about film and putting there intrest out there. I can't see the ground for moving at the moment, I'm rarely off my laptop as I am marketing my film to the right people. I found out about tiers the other day, who knew about tiers with film! If you have a intresting story then your in with a chance of being accepted by tier 2, anything else then lower your self to tier 3 and never 4! Lovefilm now has a list, a long long list of obscure films I would prob never of got round to watching had I not read the book, bit I'm very excited to see them all. I like films that move me, I like films that tell a story that can make me cry that can give me relief anger and emotion that I just wanna sit on the edge of my seat. Captain Phillips now that's a film right..Got me all the way through I love classics too. The Red Shoes/ Brief Encounter/ The Elephant Man/Lord of the flies/Kes/Whatever happened to Baby Jane/The Hunter. Who makes films like that these days? What moves you, what grips you, what pulls you to the ground and takes you to the heart of the film, as if your living it too. I live my films. I walk it through the whole thing, I move my body and use my hands, I listen to music to write my scripts, to live the characters to feel, oh how to feel their insides and their desires. I've got one more short to make in my 3 part and then I have my baby, my feature to make. Its a 17 character cast, so big but so small on locations and I can't wait to make it. If you read this and feel that you wanna be part of a film, I wanna hear from you. I don't like 'actors' I like real people who wanna act or try it, this brings film to an amazing realism for me,takes people out of their comfort zone and throws them in the deep end which always results in an amazing performance. Lesbian films are too boring for me. Girl meets girl. I wanna show a real story, let it be a bit fucked up, let it be a bit out there and best of all let it tell a story, something that we can relate to and make us sit on the seat and dream and wonder what the hell is next... Sometimes just sometimes you just have to believe... www.youtube.com/dontstopbelievingfilm facebook.com/dontstopbelievingfilm twitter.com/dontstopbeli

Close Friends

I have some very good friends. I have some amazing friends, and I'm sure we all have one or 2 that never fail us, whatever our lives or whatever we fear. Who are there at the drop of a hat, selfless beings from another planet come to connect. Soul mates/star seekers whatever you want to believe. Where connections are deep and unexplained. Can we be in a relationship with a friend and it be a friendship? But more, now I'm not talking friends with benefits! Something more on a deeper connection then just a friend? I've never been any good at letting go and I always want to stay friends with everyone, but we all know we can't and that life goes on and we loose people on our path and gain new ones. But can you really let go, how much of a friend really stays with you and how much can you let go of them. We all grow, but what draws us back to people, what is is that holds us or holds them to your soul? Need? Love? Fear? or just something you just can't understand or will never understand. That my friend is a mystery. I was thinking I have so many amazing friends that I'd want them all to be godparents or take out the god bit and be friend parents! I could'nt just have one, would mean another one would be jelous! I have friends that creep into my life thinking they can be close or be my best buddy! Like as if being close is a way in! tell me I'm amazing when I don't need to be told that in order to be their friend! I am AMAZING anyway! (talk to the hand) I am wary of these friends energies and I stay back. You kind of know anyway in meeting someone I think if they are gonna be a drain or a good doer. I have some friends who I don't see so much, now I'm being honest! They drain me, They always go on about the most depressing things in life and are always complaining that so many things have happened to them and still could happen. Its so draining. I like to give my time to as many people and I'm always ears, but sometimes its just too much. I can't count my close friends on my hands, but I can count them in my heart..

Moving

So stress hey! That's me at the mo. 

I think I've shrunk a few sizes down, beginning to look like a whale and my face is full of spots. Lol only joking. 

But really I'm moving house. I haven't moved house for over ten years. !! I only have 2 boxes so far and not sure when I'm gonna start or how I start! 

G I have been in my flat yonks, I've had some great times here. Party's and drunk fests and dinners and upset fests and crap times but most times I've enjoyed it all. Walking around naked. Not doing the washing up, walking into the bathroom door in the middle of the night. And today actually forgetting the code to get in downstairs! It went right out of my head. I  couldn't believe it. I had to ask the porter to let me back in, v embarrassed lol

I've enjoyed the people and the seasons and the snow  and my neighbours when I first moved in, 2 gay guys who took me on the gay scene and I kissed a gal for the first time! Good memories. Shouting out of windows when people have forgotten something or needs throwing too. Filming twice for 2 films, Spiders in corners and orbs over the sofa ! Voices and footsteps and long baths with some people too ;) getting the front door stuck on my 33rd bday and having my my mate have to climb In between doors to squeeze in and open.

I've left bottles of wine for people upstairs to say sorry for being loud. But I'm loud still. And I love it. Playing my piano at 4am in the morning after being out on the town with mates and having an early morning jam session. Priceless

I will miss my secret park, but I'm coming back next summer to it to have a picnic, it's one of the nicest parks in the whole world and no one is ever there. I always like to get lost in it.

I've had so many people from all over the world stay here too. From Brazil to Hong Kong to LA to Florida. 

Musicians and rock stars and sports people, creative designers and naked lesbians!! To Jesus saves fans and the odd nutters. All their energies have stayed and smelled and sweated haha

This week I have my last ever guests from Chicago. 4 air hosts) 3 whom have never been to London before. 

And that's it no more until who ever decides to let my flat.   

I'm moving to another flat  

The new flat is epic thou so makes for an epic new beginning :)

just got to unpack first! 

Comfort

Cheese, um cheese and a bit more cheese with some onion relish maybe or cheese and potatoes and bacon and more cheese. mmm Comfort food. What is comfort? Music listening and a cup of milky coffee? You know today I was in the supermarket checking out the world food section as you do! I was after a drink, didn't fancy coke or water BORING. So I picked up juice- coconut and pineapple, can't go wrong with a baby pina right?! Wow oh wow, I was hit with a cloud of beaches somewhere hot and the taste took me to paradise, no really, I was walking back to the car with my mum and I suddenly felt like I was 4 again drinking out of my beaker of juice. It was my comfort moment. Its was pure bliss, I didn't want the moment to end. I wanted to experience it again and again. Hugging is comfort, you cant go wrong with a hug no matter how your feeling. Hugs can stop everything, apart from needing the loo, unless that's a new thing and you take the hug to the toilet too?! hot water bottles under the duvet right? heated seats in the car on a bloody freezing day clothes that feel so good you want to sleep in knowing that things are so good that's just comfort right. Comfort is a great mattress you wanna stay tucked in on a Monday morning when you have the day off and everyone else is at work. I find so much comfort in finding a drink that suits me like the above and Elderflower bubbly. Again I was with my mum the first time I tried that, it was like the bottle attached itself to me lol. Maybe I should buy myself a beaker. My sister in law uses one in the shower to drink her tea out of, That's cool. I want one in my hand bag, on the train! Comfort is knowing you have good friends that you can rely on,who will laugh at you for the fact that you can feel 4 sometimes! Oh and I love being inside watching the rain and being all wrapped up while everyone is getting wet, that's comfort. hot chocolate, walking in the park holding hands... Right I need to get my mum to add that drink to her shopping list. mummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm