Dyslexia plus me

So maybe I can't hear or speak or write or focus or contribute or be there or see your way or think like everyone expects. 

So I can't spell or pronounce or stand or smile when I'm supposed to. Or answer a question or that I look around for a answer.

But I'm here. I've done things that most could only grip with their teeth. I've shone  through. My friend C told me, that she was really proud of me for doing the films. I hadn't heard that from many.  It was a genuine  proud that I only feel from people I trust. 

I'm not doing stuff for self ego or whatever people wish to believe.

 I'm a creative hub, I speak in whispers and sometimes my brain is on auto melt down. Dyslexia is part of me and I can not explain my sudden lose of speech and sweat that trickles down from inside of me while people bombard me with questions that I'm only hearing the last word of.

My best friend is my support. She catches my words like a waterfall of words that I can't stream.

I'm at the start while your all at the finishing line. 

It hurts to hear critic when all I want to do is scream slow down. I know I'll never be the loud talker or will my words make sense to some. 

Maybe my films will be like donny darko. An endless mad maze of thoughts.

My poems awaken people, thankfully.

Bob Dylan won me radio and I'm in the 3rd book.

Dyslexia helped me get somewhere good.

Im not perfect and patience has slowed me down. Kindness has taken over a past I put away. 

But I'm alive. 

I'm a creative hub

I write and write and write and write 

And yes I have dyslexia.

But don't put me in a box and assume I know what I'm doing and what I'm writing and what I'm spelling and what line that sentence is supposed to go and how and what and why and now.

Cos I'm still learning too and 

I can still hear the silence of you 

And the laughing 

And somewhere in the distance I can hear my dad and C 

'Leah I'm so proud of you' 

And that matters

That's all that really matters in Leah's mad crazy world 

To me.

Film

I am obsessed with film. I just read the book 1000 films to move you. Love it, I was reading about so many different directors that I had heard of but didn't realise there true spirit and passionate ideas on story text and film. Then I listened to a podcast which I had missed going to the meeting in London but I was glued, listening is some amazing thing when you can't even see what's in front of you, just the sound of passionate people talking about film and putting there intrest out there. I can't see the ground for moving at the moment, I'm rarely off my laptop as I am marketing my film to the right people. I found out about tiers the other day, who knew about tiers with film! If you have a intresting story then your in with a chance of being accepted by tier 2, anything else then lower your self to tier 3 and never 4! Lovefilm now has a list, a long long list of obscure films I would prob never of got round to watching had I not read the book, bit I'm very excited to see them all. I like films that move me, I like films that tell a story that can make me cry that can give me relief anger and emotion that I just wanna sit on the edge of my seat. Captain Phillips now that's a film right..Got me all the way through I love classics too. The Red Shoes/ Brief Encounter/ The Elephant Man/Lord of the flies/Kes/Whatever happened to Baby Jane/The Hunter. Who makes films like that these days? What moves you, what grips you, what pulls you to the ground and takes you to the heart of the film, as if your living it too. I live my films. I walk it through the whole thing, I move my body and use my hands, I listen to music to write my scripts, to live the characters to feel, oh how to feel their insides and their desires. I've got one more short to make in my 3 part and then I have my baby, my feature to make. Its a 17 character cast, so big but so small on locations and I can't wait to make it. If you read this and feel that you wanna be part of a film, I wanna hear from you. I don't like 'actors' I like real people who wanna act or try it, this brings film to an amazing realism for me,takes people out of their comfort zone and throws them in the deep end which always results in an amazing performance. Lesbian films are too boring for me. Girl meets girl. I wanna show a real story, let it be a bit fucked up, let it be a bit out there and best of all let it tell a story, something that we can relate to and make us sit on the seat and dream and wonder what the hell is next... Sometimes just sometimes you just have to believe... www.youtube.com/dontstopbelievingfilm facebook.com/dontstopbelievingfilm twitter.com/dontstopbeli

Close Friends

I have some very good friends. I have some amazing friends, and I'm sure we all have one or 2 that never fail us, whatever our lives or whatever we fear. Who are there at the drop of a hat, selfless beings from another planet come to connect. Soul mates/star seekers whatever you want to believe. Where connections are deep and unexplained. Can we be in a relationship with a friend and it be a friendship? But more, now I'm not talking friends with benefits! Something more on a deeper connection then just a friend? I've never been any good at letting go and I always want to stay friends with everyone, but we all know we can't and that life goes on and we loose people on our path and gain new ones. But can you really let go, how much of a friend really stays with you and how much can you let go of them. We all grow, but what draws us back to people, what is is that holds us or holds them to your soul? Need? Love? Fear? or just something you just can't understand or will never understand. That my friend is a mystery. I was thinking I have so many amazing friends that I'd want them all to be godparents or take out the god bit and be friend parents! I could'nt just have one, would mean another one would be jelous! I have friends that creep into my life thinking they can be close or be my best buddy! Like as if being close is a way in! tell me I'm amazing when I don't need to be told that in order to be their friend! I am AMAZING anyway! (talk to the hand) I am wary of these friends energies and I stay back. You kind of know anyway in meeting someone I think if they are gonna be a drain or a good doer. I have some friends who I don't see so much, now I'm being honest! They drain me, They always go on about the most depressing things in life and are always complaining that so many things have happened to them and still could happen. Its so draining. I like to give my time to as many people and I'm always ears, but sometimes its just too much. I can't count my close friends on my hands, but I can count them in my heart..

Moving

So stress hey! That's me at the mo. 

I think I've shrunk a few sizes down, beginning to look like a whale and my face is full of spots. Lol only joking. 

But really I'm moving house. I haven't moved house for over ten years. !! I only have 2 boxes so far and not sure when I'm gonna start or how I start! 

G I have been in my flat yonks, I've had some great times here. Party's and drunk fests and dinners and upset fests and crap times but most times I've enjoyed it all. Walking around naked. Not doing the washing up, walking into the bathroom door in the middle of the night. And today actually forgetting the code to get in downstairs! It went right out of my head. I  couldn't believe it. I had to ask the porter to let me back in, v embarrassed lol

I've enjoyed the people and the seasons and the snow  and my neighbours when I first moved in, 2 gay guys who took me on the gay scene and I kissed a gal for the first time! Good memories. Shouting out of windows when people have forgotten something or needs throwing too. Filming twice for 2 films, Spiders in corners and orbs over the sofa ! Voices and footsteps and long baths with some people too ;) getting the front door stuck on my 33rd bday and having my my mate have to climb In between doors to squeeze in and open.

I've left bottles of wine for people upstairs to say sorry for being loud. But I'm loud still. And I love it. Playing my piano at 4am in the morning after being out on the town with mates and having an early morning jam session. Priceless

I will miss my secret park, but I'm coming back next summer to it to have a picnic, it's one of the nicest parks in the whole world and no one is ever there. I always like to get lost in it.

I've had so many people from all over the world stay here too. From Brazil to Hong Kong to LA to Florida. 

Musicians and rock stars and sports people, creative designers and naked lesbians!! To Jesus saves fans and the odd nutters. All their energies have stayed and smelled and sweated haha

This week I have my last ever guests from Chicago. 4 air hosts) 3 whom have never been to London before. 

And that's it no more until who ever decides to let my flat.   

I'm moving to another flat  

The new flat is epic thou so makes for an epic new beginning :)

just got to unpack first! 

Comfort

Cheese, um cheese and a bit more cheese with some onion relish maybe or cheese and potatoes and bacon and more cheese. mmm Comfort food. What is comfort? Music listening and a cup of milky coffee? You know today I was in the supermarket checking out the world food section as you do! I was after a drink, didn't fancy coke or water BORING. So I picked up juice- coconut and pineapple, can't go wrong with a baby pina right?! Wow oh wow, I was hit with a cloud of beaches somewhere hot and the taste took me to paradise, no really, I was walking back to the car with my mum and I suddenly felt like I was 4 again drinking out of my beaker of juice. It was my comfort moment. Its was pure bliss, I didn't want the moment to end. I wanted to experience it again and again. Hugging is comfort, you cant go wrong with a hug no matter how your feeling. Hugs can stop everything, apart from needing the loo, unless that's a new thing and you take the hug to the toilet too?! hot water bottles under the duvet right? heated seats in the car on a bloody freezing day clothes that feel so good you want to sleep in knowing that things are so good that's just comfort right. Comfort is a great mattress you wanna stay tucked in on a Monday morning when you have the day off and everyone else is at work. I find so much comfort in finding a drink that suits me like the above and Elderflower bubbly. Again I was with my mum the first time I tried that, it was like the bottle attached itself to me lol. Maybe I should buy myself a beaker. My sister in law uses one in the shower to drink her tea out of, That's cool. I want one in my hand bag, on the train! Comfort is knowing you have good friends that you can rely on,who will laugh at you for the fact that you can feel 4 sometimes! Oh and I love being inside watching the rain and being all wrapped up while everyone is getting wet, that's comfort. hot chocolate, walking in the park holding hands... Right I need to get my mum to add that drink to her shopping list. mummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

V

So I guess your thinking what the hell is V?! Thou I'm sure some of you may know! You betcha, I want some right now, I want to run in fields and the rain to fall on me in my bedroom lol. Um I'm just going to wake up! Vampires we love em right? We want to be them right?! I looked up some weird out there stuff as we all know there is weird stuff on the web, but I went a bit deeper and rooted for some info and I found out things that would blow your head off, bigger then illimani and all. There is a new channel on vampires, a community, a bloody community of them that live breathe lol and feed. That's not what I found by the way, what I found well that's a secret! So we've seen the films ,we've read the books, we've eaten the raw meat and drank the blood (not personally I have to add on that last note) and now what, more vampire films and more vampire dramas, soon we will be able to be a vampire 3D !! I went to a vampire bar once in Spain, was on the beach front with my bro in tow and was ace, big tank of snakes (oh how I hate snakes!) they were feeding the snakes live mice, lovely. Was dark in there and they were serving strange drinks too, I think that's when I decided I wanted to be a vampire too lol. Actually I remember and this is a true story I have to add that when I was around 7 or 8, I was on holiday with my parents in France and I was having a ball in the pool. I remember standing up after messing around and everyone in the pool got out and at first I hadn't realised but after a while I looked up to see a women, probably around the age of 16 staring at me, she came into the pool (ok I realize this sounds way dodgey but its not!) anyway she stood there and she stared at me and around the pool seemed like a crowd of her mates. I wasn't scared or anything, she never said anything she just stood there and stared at me,I felt cold and like I had been possessed for like 5 min or so, looking back I remember that stare and being drawn in so well and the girl. She was no way human. I knew I had just encountered my first vampire! After that I'm sure I had seen her again a few times on my travels, like glimpses. Your probably thinking no way? Am I right? I thought so, I'd like to dismiss that image and that incident, but I can never forget it... Apparently there is a vampire that lives in Highgate cemetery in London. I haven't seen that vampire yet... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Highgate_Vampire

Christmas

This year I can't be bothered. I'm sat in my room looking at my pressies I have to wrap and I'm like mm I'll put it off to another night. Usually I am full of beans and happy and organized and have everything wrapped by Christmas all under the tree waiting to be given out to friends popping by. But no I'm late this year, only half are wrapped and the other half I can't be bothered. I would like a Santa's little helper?! Anyone like to volunteer their services to me?! Instead of helping at The Big Issue or Shelter there could be a idea here maybe? no? Ok lol I can't be bothered to cook either, not that I'm doing the dinner this year, I'll be at my brothers, but cakes/pies/cookies. I like to make these and now I can't be asked, Santa wont be too pleased come Christmas morning when he pops through my TV set like a ghost and noses my fridge, cos Santa that won't be anything there, nothing, not even a carrot. On another note, I hate greed at Christmas, all these kids that have everything already and they still want more. pure greed,I want to be able to give to all the kids that don't have anything, if I had loads of money I would :) Don't get me on the subject of crowds too cos I have to lollipop my way from the bread aisle to the booze aisle, its like trying to doge a swarm of food flies all fighting to get through air space. took me nearly a whole 5 minutes trying to doge a old lady and a kid just to reach the white baps on the top shelf! I feel like I'm turning into a Scrooge, bah humbug and hating Christmas. I love that film version with Albert Finney and all those songs and I love Bob Cratchit. He's my favourite character cos he is so kind and loving and he makes you realise you don't need tons of money to have a good Christmas. Just friends and family and some laughs Some people just need reminding of that sometimes, That's the spirit of Christmas..